The Male Watching Encyclopedia

It's a jungle out there, full of strange male creatures in various disguises. So how does one tell the various species apart, or better still, spot the perfect guy? Easy, by recognising the clues hidden in layers of clothing, locations and props. Caution: clichés are abundant in the text below.

THE GEEK

The geek is a misunderstood creature. Often mocked for his odd appearance and studious habits, he is rarely given a chance. He is a treasure - a quiet achiever who admires girls from afar.

Habitat
Computer labs, star trek conventions, Internet chat rooms.

Distinguishing Features
Pale skin, Australian PC magazine in hand, non-descript dress sense.

Icons
Bill Gates, Mulder, Buffy, Lara Croft.

Pros
He is intelligent, sweet natured, not a player. Six figure salary in future.

Cons
Shy, awkward, needs coaxing to draw from shell. You'll have to make the first move.

How to trap him
Beat him at the latest PC game. Approach with caution, sudden movement can frighten the geek into hiding!

THE SURFER

He is a thrill seeker, passing time crawling the coastline in search of the perfect wave. Has a love of nature and the outdoors.

Habitat
Coastal towns, surf shops, and parties on the beach.

Distinguishing Features
Sun kissed skin and hair, board shorts / cargo pants, surf shop stickers on the car.

Icons
Kelley Slater (he got Pammy didn't he???), Mark Occhilupo, Taj Burrow, Annalise Braakensiek

Pros
That SIX PACK! He'll take you to see Everclear, Red Hot Chilli Peppers and the Offspring.

Cons
He is a slave to the wave; he is looking at girls in bikinis all day. He'll be wrinkly when he's old.

How to trap him
Wear a bright bikini, minimal makeup; ask for surfing lessons or to help you apply sunscreen.

THE TOUGH GUY

He has a bad attitude, a dislike of the law, a love of ciggies and bourbon, drives his V8 with Metallica belting.

Habitat
Local mechanics, pool hall or car hangout in town.

Distinguishing Features
Longer hair, sometimes mullet form. Possibly tattooed (usually of tacky nature), wears tight black jeans, singlets and ugh boots.

Icons
Bon Scott (may he RIP), Tommy Lee, Korn.

Pros
He is a challenge. He'll fix your car.

Cons
Holden vs. Ford arguments, terrible dress sense. Having to watch him headbang to AC/DC.

How to trap him
Compliment the fluffy dice hanging on his rear-view mirror.

THE CLUB GUY

He is a fashion victim wearing trendy trainers, tight polyester shirts and pants.

Habitat
Nightclubs, rave parties, record stores listening to the latest beats on vinyl.

Distinguishing Features
Coloured lense sunnies (at night), spiky (bleached) waxed hair, swills Red Bull.

Icons
Ministry of Sound DJ's, Carl Cox, Irvine Welsh.

Pros
He'll take you shopping for new outfits. His finger is on the nightlife pulse and he's always on his way to a party.

Cons
He rarely sees the daylight. Will fight you for mirror space and steal your hair styling products!

How to trap him
Groove with him on a podium with your whistle and your glow stick.

THE ALTERNATIVE GUY

A subtly groovy creature. He digs obscure bands/writers, and strives to go against the grain.

Habitat
Independent record stores, Big Day Out, jamming with mates.

Distinguishing Features
Band t-shirts, long shorts, Doc Martens. May have dyed hair - blue, green or bleached with regrowth and facial piercings.

Icons
Kurt Cobain, Fred Durst, Nick Cave, Greenday.

Pros
Interesting conversation, his friends are colourful characters; he is a free spirit.

Cons
You may be forced to listen to him jam, is preoccupied with dead rock legends.

How to trap him
Impress him with your knowledge of indie music and films.

This concludes today's lesson in the art of spotting the elusive "perfect guy". Armed with this inside information, you should now be able to spot which breed best suits you. Happy hunting girls!

- Rachael