Silently Suffering for 2 Years

I am 21 years old. I have suffered depression for over two years, and I still haven't gone for help.

I find it extremely difficult to talk to people about the way I feel, because I think that they just do not understand. I have kept it inside for years, and I cry regularly. I have spoken briefly to my best friend and my boyfriend, but I just don't want to talk about it. No one will ever understand how low and depressed I am feeling.

I have extremely low self esteem, I am constantly comparing myself to others, I am constantly picking at my self, I hate seeing myself in the mirror, nothing ever seems to go right for me. It seems everyone else has looks nicer, has a nicer body, is more prettier. I thought that maybe it was because of my boyfriend. I feel like I have to be the best, and look the best so he won't look at other women. It hurts me so much when he does it (I am constantly accusing him of doing it, when he probably isn't). I feel so low, I wish I could lie down and let the world swollow me up. If I watch a movie, and a perfect women appears, I will try so hard to refrain from crying, but it never works, I end up sitting alone in my room, and crying myself silly. I try so hard not to put myself down, and think the way I do. Nothing is working.I cannot blame my boyfriend for the way I feel about myself, I am the one to blame for constantly telling myself I am not good enough. Even when I am al one, and I am out somewhere, and I see a extremely attractive women, I hate it.

I went through a extremely hard time about a year and a half ago. I could not get out of bed and I was crying constantly. My mum and dad finally saw the way I was. I was a little ashamed but they told me not to be, and that it happens to people. My mum came to the doctor with me, and my doctor referred me to a head doctor. I never went. A few weeks later, I told everyone I was fine and I was just going through a stage of feeling a little depressed. I have hidden myself for too long, and I am starting to feel like I am about to hit an all time low.

I recently came back from holidays. I was relaxed, and happy. As soon as I walked in the door, I had to stop myself from crying because I did not want my parents to see me depressed. I hate the thought of being back at work. I do not like work, I have never liked going to work. Who does? Only a lucky few who actually enjoy what they do. My parents paid thousands of dollars to put be through Business College, so I do not tell them I hate what I do. I don't want to hurt them. I honest do not think I would be happy in any job, even if I was being paid excellent wages.

I feel at ease and completely happy when I am around my best friend. We have been best friends for 8 years. If I didn't have her I would be totally lost. She makes me laugh so much, and I don't feel sad when I am with her.

I do feel sad when I am lonely, or when I am with my boyfriend. Not all the time, but it doesn't take much for me to become depressed. I feel as though, if a good looking women is on TV, that he is thinking to himself, "wow, she is hot". It makes me think, I do not look as good as her, he sees her, then he sees me. My boyfriend is always telling me I am beautiful, and that he loves me so much, and he thinks I am the sexiest women. But no matter what he says, I still feel horrible. People tell me I am pretty, when I go out to clubs, I always get approached by men, and gawked at, but I still feel terrible about myself. People have said to me, "Look at all the less fortunate people out there, and look how good your life is compared to them."

I have just recently had a breast enhancement. I used to avoid low cut tops, or anything that I couldn't wear a padded bra with, and I would hate the beach because of my flat chest, everyone else seemed to have breasts except for me. That is how I saw it. It wasn't true. I wasn't the only one. I will admit, it has definately made me feel better about myself, I feel better in bathers now, but still, I am not truely happy. I look at my 10D round perfect breasts and still see faults. I wish I got them bigger. I wish they looked a certain way in a dress. I just spend AUS$10,000.00 for a better life. It did change me, but not the way I really thought it would. It's more than getting the things you want, the things that you THINK will make you feel and look better, it's all in the head.

I am thinking about going to the doctors this weekend to get some anti-depressants. But I don't want to explain myself to a doctor, I don't want to be referred to a Psychologist. I don't want to go through all of that. I just want medication, I just want to feel normal.

I know I can't be the only young women out there to feel like this. I wish I could talk to someone who has felt the way I do, so I can ask them how the hell they got better.

Have I thought of suicide? Yes I have, I have been driving in my car, crying my eyes out, thinking that my car and me would look so good wrapped around a tree. But I never did it. I could never do it. I honestly couldn't. I think I am stronger to not do it.

I hope I do get off my butt and go see the doctor, because I really do think it's time I start living my life as a 100% happier person. I am sick of pretending I am OK and happy, I am living a lie and I don't want to do this anymore...