Can't He Take A Hint?

When you can't get rid of him!

You've broken off and it's been a while, in fact it's been a quite a few weeks and he's still calling, showing up at your old haunts, and maybe even making excuses to visit. You, on the other hand, have moved on, and he's starting to annoy you, and you begin to wonder if he's ever going to get over you.

So what can you do?

This can be a delicate situation, you don't want to destroy the guy, but you don't want to keep leading him on.

To begin with, when you broke up with him were you quite clear that it was over between you and he, and that you no longer wanted to be with him as his girlfriend?

Sometimes it's very difficult to tell a person you don't want to be with them anymore because they still care a lot about you and want to stay with you. Because of this, some people aren't very definite about the way they want things, because they don't want to hurt that person's feelings. The bottom line is that you are going to hurt them if they still want to be with you. And you must understand this is not your fault. Just as we hurt people, we are hurt by others also. And that's life. It's a fact we cannot change. So make sure you have been quite clear about where your intentions are regarding the relationship. If you've done this, it's a start, if you haven't been very clear and are just trying to avoid him, them you need to go and speak to him directly and get it out of the way. You may find that's all it takes.

If you have already done this and he's still turning up, ask yourself have you kind of been stringing him along since the break-up? Seeing or calling him because you do miss him is a no-no. And if you don't want to cause anymore confusion do not under any circumstances, kiss him (just for old times), or even worse, sleep with him after the break-up. Even if you do miss him and are only just flirting with him and you know don't want him back, don't encourage him. This is unfair, cruel and very confusing for him.

If you have tried your best to be as clear as possible, and have not encouraged him, you may have a problem on your hands. If he can't let go, the best thing to do is get on with your life. If he keeps calling, ask him not to. You could explain gently, but firmly to him that you think it would be better if you didn't speak or see each other for a while. Just make sure you give him no encouragement, or anything to hang on to. Lovesick people will often interpret the most insignificant comment and turn it into a gesture of love. This is often because they do not want to believe you could have possibly moved on.

If none of this works you may to have to get tough. If he is still hanging around, and you have made it extremely clear that you don't want him there, you will have to approach him again and tell him (don't give him room to contradict you) to leave you alone. If you need to take a friend, this will break any intimacy that he may try and corner you into. If he is this distressed over you, it is best not to hug him to comfort him (as he may hold on to this gesture as you caring more than you do).

Although you shouldn't have to, it would be a good idea to stay away from the places he knows you that go to, and lay low for a while.

If this still does not work, you might be in trouble with an 'obsessed ex.' The obsessed ex is not a bad person, they are just obsessed. This may be the time to change your phone number (that is only if he is calling too much). When he does see you, either ignore him or again state very clearly that you are doing your own thing, and you need your space so could he please respect that. Give him a few weeks. Don't be a bitch (as it may frustrate him more), but don't be friendly either. Neutral is probably the best approach.

If none of this works and you find that his obsession is becoming harassment, you may want to speak to the police about a restraining order. The idea of a restraining order is quite a severe action to take, so make sure you are not over reacting.

Hopefully things will never come to this, as once the initial shock of a relationship passes, the rejected party should usually adjust, however they may need a few weeks to do this.

- Louise Ganey