We've Lost Our Manners - These Seven in Particular

As a Regency Romance Author, I'm Quite Certain We've Lost Our Manners - These Seven in Particular!

By DG Rampton

As someone who spends half my waking hours living in my head in 19^th Century Regency England – researching and writing historical romances – and the other half juggling modern life, I can say resoundingly that, yes, we have lost our manners.

Though perhaps it's more accurate to say that we have misplaced them; like a precious piece of jewellery inherited from your grandmother that goes missing from your dresser, but which you know can one day be re-discovered through a little focus and effort.

As with heirlooms, manners are passed down from one generation to the next and are just as priceless. They're the accumulated knowledge of generations on how best to get along with those around us, in a society where we share space and resources, and our survival depends on civil cooperation.

Manners are a set of rules that govern our behaviour and have arisen over the centuries to lubricate the cogs of human interaction and help us all get along; a concept that was well understood in the English Regency period, where refinement and courtesy were valuable commodities.

I won't hazard a guess as to why we've misplaced our manners, as I suspect the reasons are manifold. Modern life has multifaceted complexities. But no matter how complicated our lives become, human nature hasn't changed in the fundamentals and what was true two hundred years ago is true today.

Life is easier to navigate when someone has good manners, because people appreciate dealing with those who are courteous and have a regard for the feelings of others.

Human creatures are emotional beings often ruled by their passions, but when manners are drummed into us from an early age they become reflexive and are always on hand to help us through our social interactions.

So, what manners are important to rediscover? As an overarching principle, I like to ask myself: how would I like to be treated in this situation? With that in mind, my personal top seven manners are:

1.     Be polite

A 'please' and a 'thank you', offered with a smile and eye contact, costs nothing and can earn you plenty of goodwill in any situation. Simple, easy, essential.

2.     The art of giving and accepting chivalry

I feel for men these days. They often receive contradictory messages on the issue of chivalry, and of being a gentleman. But it's really very simple. If chivalry comes from a place of respect and thoughtfulness, most women are astute enough to pick up on the cues and they appreciate the chivalrous gesture. A gentleman holding the door open for a woman, or giving up his seat to her on the train, is not a blight on feminism. It's a lovely gesture that deserves a 'thank you', with eye contact and a smile. And for a brief moment in time both parties share a positive interaction that makes them feel good. Imagine how much happier we would all be if we had many such positive interactions each day.

3.     Apologise when in the wrong

Much like childbirth, this one gets easier with practice. Whether you bump into someone accidentally and spill coffee over their new Chanel pumps, or your mouth breaks free of the reins of your control, an honest apology goes a long way towards soothing ruffled feathers. I've often noted that confident people own their mistakes and are comfortable offering apologies. And people respect them for it.

4.     Good sportsmanship

Parents teach their children the adage 'Nobody likes a bad loser' because it's true. You don't have to like losing, but whether at work, at play, or at home, grace and dignity in defeat (or in victory) is a must if we want to avoid the grown-ups version of the naughty corner: social isolation.

5.     The gift of attention

I'd hazard a guess that this was easier in the 19^th Century than in the fast-paced, social-media infused 21^st Century. Still, it's not rocket science to realise that it's important for social harmony to show people respect by giving them your full attention when they're speaking, with the all-important eye contact. Allowing our phones to distract us, or talking over the top of others without letting them finish their sentences is simply impolite and counterproductive. 

6.     Civil debate

There may be times when we so vehemently disagree with someone that we would like nothing better than to wallop them over the head with the closest object on hand. But, never fear, manners can come to our rescue and save us from the disagreeable, and messy, repercussions of our urges. Different viewpoints have always caused friction, however, civilized society relies on the concepts of civil debate and civil disagreement. Most people are coming from a good place, they just might have different programming to us, and by truly listening to their viewpoint and trying to understand it we can often find common ground to build on. If only our toddler-acting politicians could be taught this one!

7.     Keep your bodily fluids to yourself

Seemingly obvious, yet so difficult for some. In all situations, including the amorous, it's best to avoid sharing or disgorging bodily fluids in public. Some passionate kissing on a Parisian bridge over the Seine is, of course, not only permissible but expected.