Ace Venturer: When Shopping Calls

I'd never considered my Australian nationality as a concept remotely synonymous with 'exotic' until I recently embarked on my 'maiden voyage' into international terrain; much like the Titanic, minus the striking features of Leo DiCaprio, a perilous iceberg and nude portraits -much to my parent's relief. Rather than launch into a tirade articulating every irksome detail about my first overseas experiences, feel free to peruse the following 'A-Z Guide for Traveling Overseas' (Disclaimer: Many letters of the alphabet may or may not be included in the aforementioned Guide.)

A - Accents

One of the significant characteristics of an individual who has traveled excessively, or has been in another country for a prolonged period of time, is that of subconsciously using the mannerisms and characteristics of the locals. Perhaps it's human nature to adapt to our surroundings-lah; or, as in my case, it was the novelty of attempting to integrate into a new community as well as maintaining a level of 'exoticness' at the same time. Blimey, guv'nor!Furthermore, one rarely notices the strength or characteristics of their own accent until contrasted with those of people abroad. Stubbing my toe on the staircase, and subsequently bellowing 'Bugger' conveniently echoed throughout the Singaporean Subway, eliciting sniggers and stares from school children, shop assistants and homeless people.

B- Boarding

At the risk of the reducing the credibility of this article, and my knowledge as a pronounced traveler, one of the highlights I will cherish is that of simply boarding the plane. Knowing that the next instance I would set my feet on solid ground, it would be in another country is highly intriguing. The marvels of international travel will never cease to amaze me as aircrafts become larger, faster, and more innovative. Walking towards the aircraft for the first time, the warmth of the flight-attendants cheery dispositions soon became more redundant than a tape-player in a nightclub. A small whiteboard with various notes scattered across it, sat to the left of the entrance to the aircraft. In striking red letters, in the middle of the board as resounding as a blood-curdling scream, read:


Forgive me, but it was disconcerting that any vehicle due to fly 50,000 feet in the air, over oceans, through turbulence and around other aircrafts in less than 40 minutes had that memo.

C - Customs

The joys of Immigration and Customs at airports all around the world, as well as increasing security have become about as much fun as large, visible zits appearing on the day you are supposed to be going on a first-date. No chewing-gum into Singapore, no nail polish remover into Australia, no sheep into New Zealand; nevertheless, the constant x-rays and scanning that bags undergo surely contributes to global radiation levels. The jokers in Australian Customs and Border Control, on the other hand, continue to contribute to heart failures. Having spent a week in Singapore with my two best friends, we had captured over 300 hilarious moments on our digital cameras. To my horror, after putting my handbag through the Customs scanner, the officer whom I shall call 'Jeff' (because that was his name) quickly looked at the screen then at me."Excuse me Miss, but did you have a digital camera in your handbag? It appears that some of your memory card may have been erased".As the look of horror crossed my face, cackles and guffaws echoed throughout the Customs counters. "Just kidding!"Australian humour. Hilarious.

D - Duty Free

I have a strong desire to meet the sadistic person who decided to combine duty & tax-free products and airports. What better way to enlarge the imminent credit-card debt which is likely to follow any overseas trip, than set up quasi-department stores full of cheap perfumes, cosmetics and alcohol? One duty-free Dior perfume does not provide sufficient savings to purchase another three perfumes. That equation, needless to say, was done approximately $250 too late.

E - Exchange Rate

My inability to calculate basic equations without a pen, paper, calculator and my year 10 Math teacher became a bigger problem when it came to exchange rates. Within three weeks, I traveled from Melbourne to Singapore, then Singapore to Wellington. Three countries, three exchange rates, one expensive and confusing exercise. Why the United Nations hasn't pushed for a universal currency, I will never understand. Trying to calculate prices involving exchange rates of .8427 at the same moment you are attempting to remember if the Singaporean 50c coin looks like the Aussie 20c coin, only allows for embarrassment. Paying 90c for breakfast waffles yet $19 for a glass of champagne presents a severe problem from the mathematically-challenged - especially if the conversion doesn't dawn on you until after you've consumed the champagne.

** A corruption in the author's creative license and thought processes has hindered the inclusion of the letters F - L in the 'A- Z Guide for Traveling Overseas'** Contact your local Comedy Club for omitted hilarity and wit.

M - McDonalds

Universal currency may be decades away in the future, however the universal language of the 'Golden Arches' translates into intrigue, laughter and comfort for many travelers. Whether you regularly consume the culinary delights offered by Chef Ronald or not, there is something oddly comforting about being able to purchase a Big Mac Meal everywhere you go. The familiar taste and smells of a McDonald's restaurant are only distorted when advertisements for the 'Chicken Fan-Tastic Burger: A whole crispy chicken thigh filet tucked between mushroom-flavoured rice patties' provide a swift reminder of one's location. McSheep Burger, anyone?

S - Shop Assistants

Having worked in retail for several years, I completely and utterly sympathize with the retail industry, especially in large shopping hubs such as Singapore, which are driven by fashion fetishes of tourists and the locals. The stalker-like tendencies that many shop assistants assume however, become quite disturbing. Whilst being a tourist has a number of benefits, the psychological damage suffered from being followed in close-range by 4-foot tall assistants in Singapore's many large department stores, is likely to have longer-term effects. I'm still unsure as to whether I am viewed as a walking purse with the financial ability to raise the profit-margin of a dozen stores within 45 minutes, or whether being a tourist simply made me a walking shop-lifting liability. Either way, it was, at times, very creepy. I completely support being helpful and providing assistance to those of us who may not be able to spot the best bargains or funkiest items, but placing three tops, two skirts and a versatile belt in my change room, is fine as long as I'm not in the midst of changing at the time!


I may not have been able or willing to create gags or anecdotes for every letter of the alphabet when recalling my first international trip, however I invite readers of this column (all 6 of you, including my mother and best friend) to write in with stories and memories of crazy, memorable, horrible and hilarious trips abroad! Maybe someone will have a story about Zimbabwe or a Zoo, so that the travel alphabet is not so travel-sized.

Natalie Devitsakis