When Flattery Becomes Stalking

IMITATION is supposed to be the sincerest form of flattery. But what happens when your friend begins to resemble your mirror image and is constantly in your face? If she buys the same clothes, talks your talk and walks the walk, then it may be time to put the brakes on your friendship and trade it in for a new one. Unfortunately, successful friendships in life are not guaranteed as situations and people can change which may affect your relationship with a friend. Both parties need to constantly work at the relationship in order for the friendship to succeed. However as this particular friendship highlights, there is always the concern that one person may become too attached to the other.

Joanne and Natalie became close friends five years ago, after meeting at high school. As with most friendships they had a lot in common, such as the same taste in music. They would often attend local dance parties and both girls had a similar sense of humour. So what was it that tore this friendship apart? Joanne recalls that it was only after she commenced her university course, which demanded a lot more of her time, that Natalie started to feel threatened and act strangely. "Although Nat and I shared a lot of the same interests, I started to notice a change in her," explains Joanne. It started off innocently enough with Natalie's interest in Joanne's hairdresser, but then her interest extended to the lipstick shade Joanne would wear and even the brand of her jeans. Joanne began to notice that Natalie started dressing the same as she did and mimicking her way of speaking too. "I felt as if I didn't exist on my own anymore. Natalie was slowly taking my identity."

Joanne and Natalie's scenario is reminiscent of a lot of friendships between females. A common danger among friendships between girls is that sometimes one person might be more insecure about the friendship than the other, and they might feel the need to copy their friend. Copycat friends often mean well, but when the similarities get beyond a joke, it may be time to re-evaluate the friendship. If one of your friends is suffering from the 'Single White Female' syndrome, there is cause for concern.

Here are some signs that your friendship may be heading down this path, if it hasn't already.

Does your friend demand your undivided attention and expect you to leave everything for them, at the drop of a hat? While friendships are all about give and take, you'll find that your friend is more interested in taking than giving. Has your friend become dependent on you to the point that you are feeling quite claustrophobic as they invade more and more of your personal breathing space? While their heart may be in the right place, not allowing you your space could result in your friendship dissolving rapidly.

Do they constantly bombard you with phone calls 5-10 times a day? Joanne recalls that Natalie used to ring her at home and on the mobile phone, which constantly disrupted Joanne's routines. "Nat would call me all the time and when she finally reached me, it would be to have a chat. As if I didn't have any important things to do with my day!" This is what frustrated Joanne the most.

Do they place tabs on you? Some girls get so caught up in their friendship that they like to know exactly what their friends are up to. To them it is a harmless interest in your life. To you it feels more like they are keeping tabs on your whereabouts. Joanne often felt like she had to report to Natalie on every move she made. "It came to the point where Nat would act more like my parents than a friend. I felt like I had to check in with her when I went to Uni; came home from Uni; when I went out; who I was going out with and then have to explain to her, as to why she wasn't invited?" If your friend wants to know every intimate detail of your day including what you had in your sandwich for lunch, there is a problem!

As in Joanne's case, is your friend starting to mimic your unique vocabulary and mannerisms? If you feel like you are keeping friendship with a parrot, you are in trouble. Copycat friends will take to imitating the way you speak and will adopt any unique mannerisms you may have, such as, using your hands while you speak etc.

Has your friend taken to cloning your wardrobe? If this is the case, it won't be long until they decide to clone you, your boyfriend, and your life! While some may view cloning as a compliment, it can seem to you as if your friend is gaining another identity in the process of stealing yours.

Is your friend suffocating you with attention? Are you getting to the point that you might strangle your friend if they comment one more time on how great your hair looks or how gorgeous your dress is! While every girl appreciates compliments from time to time, too much attention can be tedious and even unbearable!

Does your friend make plans with you and also on your behalf? Friendships are fraught with issues that can potentially hamper your relationship, but none more so than having a friend who assumes things of you. If your friend has adopted the nasty habit of accepting invitations to parties on your behalf and then assumes that you will be designated driver for the evening, a change in friendship may be a solution. Once a friend starts planning your social life and life in general, you know you're in trouble!

Do even the tiniest things about your friend annoy you? If you are finding that you can't bear to be in the same room as your once-close friend because everything about her seems to annoy you (such as the way she laughs), then you definitely need a break from the friendship. You'll probably discover that the same habits and attributes that you became fond of in the beginning of your friendship are the same reasons you can't stand to be friends with her now. Generally if your friends are cramping your style you will unintentionally give off warning signals that they may or in Joanne's case, may not recognise.

If you are finding that you are losing interest in your friend, and becoming increasingly bored and frustrated with the friendship, then it may be time to move on. Female friendships tend to be particularly stronger than friendships between males, so there is a greater chance of one friend becoming too dependent on the other. Having been on the receiving end of the 'Single White Female' syndrome, Joanne says it all boils down to, how much does a person value their particular friendships? In her situation, she decided that it would be more beneficial for everyone concerned if the friendship ended, as it was more trouble than it was worth. But this may not be the solution for everyone. "I guess it depends on how much pressure a person can tolerate. In my case, enough was enough. Natalie had to realise that she was not the only person in my life. In a way, I think ending our friendship was a good thing for both Nat and myself. I gained control back of my identity and it also forced Nat to become independant and build an identity of her own."

- Annemarie Failla