When It Hurts To Hear

You've been having a good day when suddenly some person slips up and tells you something that wasn't meant to reach your ears. It could be some kind of rumour or slander, something personal about yourself you entrusted someone with, or just someone whose had a bitch about you. It really doesn't matter which category it fits into, it still hurts. The worst part of hearing this kind of information is that there's usually not a hell of a lot you can do about the situation. The sad truth is that you can't make people stop talking about you. So what can you do?

This just recently happened to me. I felt sick to the stomach, and I knew there was nothing to stop the slander from circulating. I sat there shaking after this informative phone call and wondered what my options were. I felt so ashamed about the slander, even though I knew it wasn't true. But that didn't seem to matter, it still made me want to crawl into a hole. I felt so bad that I couldn't even ring my girlfriends. That was my first mistake. Instead I picked up the phone and rang the two guys responsible for slandering me. Luckily I got voice mail both times and left on both phones abusive messages explaining my boyfriend was going to sue for slander. Now really, that was the stupidest thing I could have done. It just fuelled the fire. That night I couldn't sleep, and all I could do was feel sorry for myself, and assume I must be the only one in the world that anyone ever got gossiped about.

The next morning I have to admit I felt much better. After the little sleep that I did get, it didn't seem like such a big deal. I still didn't confide in my girlfriends (who are usually like my family), so I still felt my decent character had been tainted by these viscous stories. Finally on the third day I told one of my best friends. I don't know why I didn't do it in the first place. She offered me love, support, and acceptance. When I finally got around to telling my other two close girlfriends, they had nothing but the same response. In fact one of them made me stand on top of a cliff and scream what they had said about me, then scream "ahh" before she gave me a big cuddle and told me she loved me. She said what was important was who I believed I was, and in our world they were not important. She made the whole thing seem like the joke was on them.

What I allowed these two guys to do was damage my 'sense of self'. Even though what they had been saying was untrue and just plain cruel, I let myself believe I must have been a bad person for them to be saying this kind of stuff about me. But once time passed, I realised that kind of thinking is so untrue.

Sadly many of us have this kind of thing happen at some point in our lives. And when it's not about you, it's hard to understand why the other person is letting it get to them. The stuff about 'sticks and stones' does ring true. Words can't physically harm you, but when you're the victim of gossip it's horrible, and it's painful. But for those who don't want to stay under that rock, here are a few tips to get you through.

1/ Ring your best friend/s: Let them know what's happened and how it's made you feel. If they are not supportive, then they are obviously not your real friends (although this is a pretty awful time to find out). When the chips are down you should be able to turn safely to the people you're close to. They are the one's who are directly related to the world you live in, and they are the one's who can help you feel loved. Don't do what I did and isolate yourself, it just makes you feel more alone.

2/ Ask yourself who's creating who? : Even if the gossip is true, you shouldn't let other people make up your mind about who you really are. Take a walk with a pen and pad, and sit somewhere that feels comfortable and safe (it may be a near by park, or your favourite coffee shop), just get out of the house. Make a list of your good qualities, then write down what was said about you and compare. Are they the same person? I doubt you'll be saying yes. Don't let others make you believe you are anything different to who you feel you are. I know it can be hard sometimes, but you are your own person, gossip is just someone else's creation.


3/ Try talking calmly to the instigators: Now don't do what I did and abuse them, they will only respond with more abuse. If they won't talk to you rationally, stay away from them. If they are in your working or social environment, look straight through them and ignore them. Usually the people that say this kind of stuff will find someone else to gossip about next week/month.

4/ Really, don't they have anything better to do than to talk about you? : Obviously you must be pretty unique to be targeted for such rubbish. These people who are making your life so uncomfortable must have some kind of interest in your life to even bother to make you the latest gossip. You could almost turn it around and wonder what qualities you've got, for people to go to so much effort to make you the latest news. If you were boring, no one would bother putting you in the spotlight. So count yourself lucky that you are so special that you deserve this kind of attention.

I'd just like to add that the next time you hear a rumour about someone else, think twice before you repeat it. Remember how it felt when it happened to you, and how it made your skin crawl to think people were talking about you behind your back. I'm sure almost everyone's had the experience of being 'the talk of the town' at some point in their lives. And the only way to stop it is by respecting others and not repeating the gossip you hear, no matter how good it sounds. Remember, in this game there's rarely discrimination, and the next time it could be you they're talking about!

- Louise Ganey