When Friendships Go Wrong

My girlfriend, my soul mate was coming to visit. She had moved back to Sydney, her hometown, and I had stayed in Melbourne, our visits were infrequent, but we always managed to holiday twice a year together, and were basically connected by the phone. In the years we knew each other we'd never had a fight, never! I found that amazing. I thought it was a friendship made in heaven. If something went wrong we were each other's foundation. We could ring each other up furious about our day and scream (not at each other) but vent in any way that we wanted to, and we'd always be supportive and respect each other's decisions (even if we didn't agree).

That was until this visit. Every time we caught up there was always a drama, but never between us. Seeing each other seemed to bring 'issues' up that we had whilst away, and there would be tearful discussions, but that was all.

After not seeing her for eight months, I couldn't wait to see her. This was the longest time we'd spent apart.

Somewhere in this time we'd changed. I don't know what happened, and when it started. I knew I had changed a lot. I had moved to a beach in Victoria and simplified my life. Living in a city for so long had basically destroyed who I believed I was, and moving had been my salvation. During this time she had gone through a really tough time, most of the calls I got from her were tearful ones, it seemed her life had become out of control. I felt helpless; I had no idea how to comfort her, as words didn't seem enough. So as you can see I couldn't wait to see her.

I'm not quite sure how the fight happened. I had felt it was like if I said black, she'd say white. We'd always respected each other's decisions, and always agreed to disagree. I know I was feeling pretty sensitive, which I'm sure she was. Unfortunately, I'm one of those people, who can't stand confrontation, so I tend to bottle things up. Well I finally exploded on the third night. I don't think I was abusive in my language (but you know when you're angry, it's sometimes difficult to remember what you screamed out), but I yelled, and pretty loudly. I told her she had changed, and I couldn't be around her and asked her to stay at one of our mutual friends. Then I stormed out.

The next day I woke up and she was gone. I went to where I knew she would be staying. I walked into the room, burst into tears and said, "I'm so sorry". She responded very coldly, "Can you not?" I handed her a card I'd written earlier, she opened it and said, "I don't need this right now, everything's fine ok?" I swallowed my tears and walked out of the room.

For the next four days I was expected to hang out with her and our mutual friend, and if I didn't, I was apparently feeling sorry for myself. It was ridiculous, she wouldn't look me in the eye, smile, or direct a conversation towards me. I tried to approach her again, she just stared blankly at me while I said that the situation was breaking my heart and she was basically my family. Things didn't improve, so I went up to stay in Melbourne with my boyfriend and cried a lot.

We now haven't spoken for a month. I thought it would hurt more, but it hasn't. I'm wondering now whether it's one of those friendships that just 'stop?' You have your time, change, and move on. I think what I would find difficult now is forgiving her for her attitude to my apologies. I also don't have that urge to call her when something happens. It's strange how emotionless I feel about it. I'm one of those people who treasure their friends, and I come from a small family - so they mean a lot to me.

One thing I have noticed if life is there are people that stay around for several years, even more, and then slowly or suddenly, you realize you've drifted apart. I guess it's similar to a break up with your boyfriend. Something suddenly changes and they aren't so important, or you've both run out of things to say.

This has happened with a couple of my friends, and whether it's you or the other person pushing away, the fact is 'the pushing'. It's okay to suddenly realize you don't have anything left in common, or that you just don't get along anymore.

I strongly believe the people in your life are psychological extensions of your personality. As individuals we are learning all the time, and with new experiences come change. One day you may realize you don't have anything in common with one of your closest friends, and be unclear as to why. It may just mean you don't have that element of them in your personality anymore, therefore they become less important to you as there is no longer any common ground. This situation can be reversed; it could be your friend no longer has a part of your personality in them.

This scenario is not a bad thing, it's just life, people grow and change, and with that so does their environment, including lifestyle, job, and friends.

- Louise Ganey