Friendship Flatline

By Karen Sutherland

She's been your friend ever since you can remember. But, lately, you wish it was something you could forget. Unlike the people involved, your friendship hasn't grown with time. In fact, it is now surrounded by an aura of duty.

If both of you have been moseying along with smiles faker than breasts at a Brownlow, pretending that your friendship has the same excitement as the night before the Bros concert, then it is time to make a decision.

It is a sad time when a friendship reaches this point. But, if you think it has happened suddenly, then you are very much mistaken. As with all relationships, there are always little signs left for us along the way before we reach a dead end. Many of us choose to ignore them, refusing to turn back before we give ourselves concussion.


SYMPTOMS OF A FESTERING FRIENDSHIP

Your friendship may be in trouble if you can relate to any of these:

She doesn't seem to call you anymore just to see how you are.
In fact, you forget the last time she even asked you how you are. She seems to be more interested in what you've bought; who you've seen and where you've been than if you're healthy and happy.

When you call her, she is always busy.
Understandable if she is at work. But, if it seems that she can't spare you two minutes for a chat outside office hours and never tries to make this up to you, then rocky times are a coming.

If you didn't organise times to see her, you feel as though you never would.
Think about it. When was the last time your friend asked to see you or even hinted at organising something? I'm not talking about the wanky 'We must have coffee soon" rubbish. I'm talking a day and a venue at least. If you can't remember, see her reaction when you ask her if she does.

She never calls you back when she says she will.
This is very annoying and can be a HUGE hint that things are amiss with your friendship. There are usually only two reasons why she constantly doesn't return calls, a) She is avoiding you or b) She doesn't think you'd care either way.

If she calls you, it's always to talk about herself.
Has your friend met your boyfriend yet? Does she know exactly what you do for a living? Or that you have a new nephew? Is that because you can never get a word in edgeways? If you find that the majority of your conversations are being dominated by your friend, and are about your friend, then things aren't 50/50 are they?

She only sends you junk emails instead of anything she's written herself.
You've had IQ tests, blonde jokes and half-naked men, but a "hi, how are you?", forget it.

Every topic of conversation is twisted back to herself.
This is easy to spot. You could be talking about your auntie Gwenda's bowel operation and your friend will say something like "That was like when I went to hospital blah, blah, blah." It has nothing whatsoever to do with Gwenny, but once again, she's managed to successfully steer the conversation ship back to ME, ME, ME island.

You feel relieved after you see her or talk to her.
You hang up the phone and sigh. It's not because you're relieved to hear from your friend. It's purely because you've hung up the phone from her. If you find talking to your friend a constant stress, it's time to reevaluate the relationship.

You feel angry after seeing her or talking to her.
This could be for various reasons. However, this is usually the first reaction we have when we feel as though we aren't being respected and our needs are not being fulfilled.

There is almost a competition going on between you.
Does your friend ring you to boast about what she's bought, knowing full well that you couldn't afford it in a million years? Does she constantly talk about her engagement and make you feel inferior because you are single? NEWSFLASH: Friendship is a comfort, not a competition. Sick of feeling crap? DON'T PLAY.

DIAGNOSIS & TREATMENT:

We seem to forget that a friendship should be something that you want to be involved in, not a chore. A friend is someone who makes you feel good about yourself, who you have fun with and with whom you share a mutual respect. If any of these things are missing, it's time to think seriously about what you're going to do to change the status quo.

Long friendships are always at risk of dying when the people involved take them for granted. Just because you both grow as people, doesn't mean that your friendship will naturally follow. All relationships take equal amounts of work from the people involved in them to accommodate changes. Just because your best friend used to have a permed mullet, doesn't mean she'd be caught dead with one now. Tastes change, circumstances change and above all people change.

I'm not recommending severing ties the first time your friend forgets to call you back. I'm not that harsh. But, if this feeling of dread has slowly enveloped the relationship over a long period of time, then you must be honest with yourself about the situation.

Try to talk to her about how you're feeling. Your friend's reaction will give you the best indication as to whether the relationship is salvageable. Don't accuse her of anything. You won't get anywhere that way. Use the words "I feel..." and tell her exactly how you're feeling about things.

There are a few ways that your friend may react:

a) She will take your feelings as a personal insult and then accuse and insult you. (Generally a non-salvageable relationship)

b) She will change the subject totally. Which shows how important your feelings are to her. (Again, dead in the water)

c) She listens and is generally shocked and saddened by what you have to say, then offers to work it out. (We have a winner!)

Unfortunately, the latter reaction doesn't happen too often. It is the reaction of a true friend who may have been preoccupied with themselves for a while, but needed someone close to bring that to their attention.

EUTHANASIA

If you feel that you have tried everything to save the friendship and have decided that it is time to turn off the life support, there are really only two ways to go about this.

Tell her it's over. Not the subtlest of ways, but at least she will know where she stands and that she has upset you. You'd tell a boyfriend that you're breaking up with him, so why not someone who's been around longer? Try to avoid an argument though. You have to admit that you did have some great times together, so don't spoil those memories with a raging, hair-pulling barney.

Say goodbye and mean it. I find confrontation pointless. The easiest way to pull the plug on a dying relationship is to say goodbye and mean it. Decide that you will talk to your friend one last time. Don't tell her what you have decided and when you say goodbye, that's it. If she calls again, don't pick up the phone. Don't return calls. When she emails, don't even open it. If you see her out, say hello, but move away quickly. It may seem cold, but it won't take a genius to figure out that the friendship is over. It is also the most gracious way of going about it. You've avoided the petty squabbles. You've made a decision to move on and you have. Also, your friend may be grateful to you for doing what she was too scared to do herself. Just like waxing, it hurts like nothing else, but you won't know the benefits until you try it.

Life doesn't have to be difficult. There are quite a few areas that we have control over, so why not exercise it. People won't think you're selfish for recognising an area that doesn't make you happy anymore and changing it. On the contrary, it is your duty to yourself. But, it's the way that you do it that matters.